All that talking to them does for me is show me that I am not accepted for who I am. My choices are not supported and I get the impression that other people's expectations of me should take the lead of my own but like I said before rotting is a very significant part of the renewal process.
For them there are "problems" "issues" "goals" and "competition" with competition being the only one to spring from within. It comes naturally for me not to internalize something I do not own i.e. problems, issues, goals.
Her path is not right for me nor mine for her. It should be respected, blessed even.
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A letter I wrote to her years ago:
I wear my soul all around me and if you and your people don't like what you see then don't look at me. The exposure can be deafening and over-stimulating causing me to appear pressured but believe me when I say this way of living holds rewards bigger than my imagination and for those people in my life who have been a witness would never tell me to hide or tuck my emotions away or commit myself to future goals. I live outside of that world and I'm sorry to say it but if it seems too abstract for your expectations of me or the human race even then just don't invest any more time in me.
It may be inconceivable for you to swallow this as is but I do not believe in past or future. Simply. It's not a whimsical thought or idea. They exist no where to me. Sure, living on the surface can be appealing at times but only then does past and future come into play. Surface and superficial ideas give us a break from the moment we are in. Yes, I can make a long term goal and put it on paper even but for me, for now, it can not, does not, and will not reach below the surface. Call it resistance if you choose. It's not for you to understand.
For me it's not about misery and happiness, it's about maintaining my spiritual self no matter what it entails. I am my convictions. We make up each and every bit of this drama as we go. Borrowing collections of energy to team up with free will and for me, choice sucked dry at every angle is proof enough.
So do what you do and do it well and I will do the same.
